Take it on the Run
by Moczo
Summary: The Knight Captain is pregnant, and the father is missing. More surprisingly, so is the baby's grandfather...
1. Surprise!

Take it on the Run

Author's notes:

As you probably will note, this is not the same KC as my other stories, because this is a weird creative brainchild that I'm not entirely sure about. Sad part is that it's almost as long as my other, almost-complete story. Anyhow, I hope you enjoy :)

For your daily dose of SPAM, if you have played Baldur's Gate and you are a member of Facebook, I made a Facebook group called The Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart, and it is very sad with only nineteen members, so you should totally join. If you don't have Facebook, you should make a page and join the group anyway. For the good!

Chapter One: Surprise!

"I'm pregnant."

Bishop looked a delicate blend between lost, infuriated, murderous, confused, and terrified. Raelis briefly wondered whether or not Bishop had ever received "the talk"; deciding that he hadn't, she began explaining, "Well you see Bishop, it just so happens that when people have sex, like you and I have been doing, it's basically the same thing as when animals mate, so…" _This shouldn't come as a huge surprise_ was going to be the Knight Captain's next allegation, even though it had come as a _huge_ surprise to her, but the flabbergasted ranger in question cut her off with an undignified "I _know_!" and left the room.

The priestess sighed. Of course she knew that he wasn't going to take the news well, but she expected a little more… courtesy. Just a little. Not a lot, though.

* * *

She was as such the only one not surprised by the news that Bishop had left the keep unannounced over twelve hours ago and had yet to return, despite the fact that he was scheduled to lead them to the hidden druid circle the next day.

Needless to say Elanee was less than amused. "Where could he have gone? I understand that he has proven himself to be less than considerate of others, but certainly he has not proven himself to be so," the druidess bit her lip as she considered the word to use, "flighty."

Predictably Casavir responded, "Yes he has; among a few other adjectives not fit for polite conversation."

The group was sitting in Crossroad Keep's courtyard, discussing how they intended on contacting the Circle of the Mere without a guide to get them there. Or, rather, that was what they _should_ have been doing; instead, they were using the opportunity to insult the aforementioned lack of guide.

The only other idea Raelis could think of was to somehow convince her foster father Daeghun to lead them back to the Circle, even though he had made it clear he had no intention of returning to the lands claimed by the King of Shadows. The elf in question was sitting all the way across the courtyard, testing the string on his bow and looking generally bored.

"Bastard ranger," Khelgar muttered to himself.

"You could think of some new descriptors there," Qara pointed out with an eye-roll.

"So, noble leader," Sand began, looking at the knight captain, "what exactly did you do to drive him away this time?"

"Why is this _my_ fault?" she retorted.

"Your ears are redder than Qara's hair," the mage responded, taping the half-elf's pointed left ear. "That betrays your guilt, which would lead me to suspect that _you_ are the reason the ranger has decided to finally, _finally_ leave after months of threatening to do so."

She debated whether or not to tell them. She was, as far as she knew, three months along, so it was only a matter of time before they noticed her baby bulge, no matter how loose her customary robes were. However, she knew this group of people sitting with her better than she knew herself, and they would manage to make what was supposed to be a joyous time in a young woman's life a waking nightmare, albeit unintentionally.

She shrugged, trying to make this as blasé as possible. "I finally told him that I'm pregnant with his child, so he panicked and left. So it's not really _my_ fault; it's more of a combined effort."

Silence.

_Ah, so I finally found the only thing that can render all of them speechless!_ she silently cheered.

Qara finally broke it. "Ewwwwwwwwww, you two_ procreated?_ It was nasty enough when you two were doing each other all the time, but… ewwwwwww!"

"You're _pregnant!_" Neeshka squealed, "Awwww, how cute! This is so exciting! There's going to be a baby here! I've never even held a baby before!"

"While I am glad for you, Raelis, there remains the manner of the druids…" Elanee said tentatively.

"I do have an idea. My father is probably a better tracker than Bishop anyhow, maybe he… could… where did he go?" she looked to where her foster-father had been sitting, and the space was suspiciously vacant.

"There goes that idea," Khelgar voiced half-heartedly.

Raelis, who had yet to even so much as show weakness the entire adventure, suddenly cried out, "Why do all the rangers I love leave me?" before bursting into tears.

"Yup, she's pregnant all right," Qara murmured.

* * *

Bishop wasn't sure how far away from Crossroad Keep he had managed to get before he collapsed from exhaustion. He was having a hard time honing his senses on where he was, where he was going, or what he was going to do when he got there.

He didn't know why he had been so caught off guard by the whole baby thing. _It was stupid of me_, he berated himself (as he had done every second since getting over the initial shock of the news), _there I was, prattling on about how I don't get attached to anyone or anything, and then… And then she had to give me __**the talk?!**_

It didn't help matters any that Karnwyr had nobly followed him all the way out here but refused to call him by anything other than "Deadbeat." Bishop had hoped that since he had raised Karnwyr from a pup that the wolf wouldn't know his kind mate for life as effectively as most animals go, but conversations the two had had made that assumption go away quite quickly.

Bishop: If you want some food, you're going to have to get it yourself.

Karnwyr: Deadbeat dad _and_ deadbeat master.

and

Bishop: Damn, I stepped in a puddle and now my boot is soaked.

Karnwyr: Smooth, dumbass… deadbeat dumbass.

It was days like this he wished the wolf couldn't talk to him.

He had set up camp in that he had collapsed in a place that wasn't covered in poison ivy, which was the best he could hope for in his current mental state. Between his own mind's amazing ability to contradict itself and his animal companion's constant chattering interspersed with derisive comments, Bishop wasn't exactly up to his usual standards.

Which explained why he was so startled when he noticed the arrow about a foot from his head.

He stared at it with wide eyes, wondering where it came from. It was stuck in the dirt; it had been done so with such force that the shaft was still quivering and the end was completely buried.

_That's not my arrow, is it?_ his mind stupidly asked before it answered, _No, if it was __**your **__arrow, __**you**__ would have fired it!_

"You didn't get very far, did you?"

_Did I just say tha -- okay, now you're just getting ridiculous._

Daeghun, who was sitting in a tree nearby, simply looked at him.

Bishop's eyes widened in terror.

* * *

Sand, Khelgar and Neeshka had each gathered together 100 gold and made a bet as to how long it would take Casavir to propose.

"Propose what, though?" Khelgar asked over his customary mug of ale, "I mean, are we talkin' marriage here, or fatherhood, or what?"

"Seeing as he still even hasn't told Raelis he thinks she's pretty, I think we're gonna have to go with just fatherhood," Neeshka pointed out.

"Closest without going over," Sand established. "And if we're going with his offering to replace Bishop, then I'm going to give him two hours." He put his 100 gold onto the table.

"Going off what I just said, I'm giving him a day at _least._" Neeshka put her contribution down. "He has to get up the courage and everything."

Khelgar regarded the 200 gold ahead of him with thought. He then looked at his two companions. "23 hours and 59 minutes," he said smugly.

"That's odd… oh." Sand looked proud of him.

"Oh come on!" Neeshka exclaimed, "That's so cheating!"

"Eh, you're just gonna steal the money back anyhow," Khelgar pointed out, although he still looked damn pleased of himself for effectively preventing her from ever winning.

"I am not! Who knew dwarves were cheapskates too?" Neeshka asked, looking glum.

"I did, seeing as he's never paid a bar tab in his life," Sal, the bartender, commented from where he was cleaning mugs.

"And if I win this bet I'll pay up!" the dwarf grumpily defended himself.

"Eh, 300 won't be even close to covering it. And Neeshka'll just steal it anyway."

Meanwhile, outside:

"Lady Raelis, may I speak with you? It is a matter of utmost urgency."

It wasn't that Raelis didn't like Casavir. She thought he was a little on the dull side, but he meant well by everyone and was always good to try to resolve situations peacefully. There were times - when one was dealing with Khelgar, Qara and Bishop's inane desire to kill everyone and everything that looked at them funny - that Raelis appreciated the mellow calm Casavir exuded. But while she knew that Casavir provided stability, she found herself drawn to Bishop's utter lack of predictability.

Case in point, she knew exactly what Casavir was going to say, almost down to the very words he was going to use.

She smiled at him. "Yes, Casavir?"

"My lady," he was looking at the ground in a way she couldn't help but find charming, "I… I understand that you're going through a difficult time, and I don't think you should have to… go through it alone. What Bishop has done is inexcusable."

_And here I thought he was going to use the word 'irredeemable.' Guess he proved me wrong, _she thought dryly. _I wonder if he's going to ask me to marry him or…_

"I would consider it my greatest honor, Lady Raelis, if you would let _me_ act as a father to your child." His entire face was bright red and he was still not looking at her. "Not that I think you can't handle being a single mother, of course, but I… I mean…"

She patted him on the head. "Casavir, you are the sweetest man in the Realms," she said fondly. "And if you go, right now, and buy me some pickles, I will definitely take you up on that offer."

The paladin turned and sprinted from the keep.

"I win!" Sand crooned from the door of the pub.

"Eh, I'm just going to steal it anyway," Neeshka said, not impressed.

* * *

Bishop had seen Daeghun before, albeit the two had never spoken. Bishop wasn't the type to be easily intimidated, but even he felt uneasy when faced with Daeghun's cold, calculating, inhumanely stoic stare. And at this point that stare was regarding him as if he were… well… a lamb led to the slaughter.

_This is all my fault for using that phrase so often,_ Bishop thought to himself.

Raelis had touched base with Bishop regarding her foster father shortly after his arrival to Crossroad Keep, when Raelis had correctly guessed Bishop's intention to saunter up to him and brag about how he was banging his daughter.

_"There's no simple way to say this, so I'm going to tell you a story," Raelis said, looking up at Bishop as she dragged him away from the newly-arrived ranger elf. "Once upon a time, when Brother Merring first came to West Harbor," they stopped walking, "there was another priest with him, Brother Tarsis. While Merring is a genuinely nice person, Tarsis was… not so much. To be blunt, he took advantage of my naiveté and youth, and eventually I told my father what happened, and I'm sure you understand what I mean when I say that Tarsis was found two weeks later deep in the swamp with his reproductive organs halfway through his digestive system, yes?"_

_Bishop blanched._

_"On a lighter note, one time Bevil kissed me and it took me four weeks to convince Daeghun to stop using him as target practice. Moral of the story: if you like your life, you'll leave my foster father alone. He's not very expressive, but he actually does like me. Sometimes."_

_"What is it about you that makes all the men who like you go crazy?" Bishop asked._

_"I wonder that sometimes myself."  
_

"So where are we going?" Daeghun asked lazily, "It is clear from your trail you have no idea, so you might want to take this time to figure it out."

"_We_ aren't going anywhere," Bishop retorted, trying to find some inner courage. He'd killed entire towns – surely one elf…

Karnwyr started emitting a hruffing sound that could only be interpreted as a laugh. _Deadbeat Master can learn things from Not-Deadbeat Grandpa of Deadbeat Master's and Deadbeat Master's Not_

_Deadbeat mate's pup. Whew. This is complicated. Good job, Deadbeat._

Bishop made a mental note to confront the wolf on his fickle loyalties.

"I'm sure," Daeghun replied to Bishop's allegation coldly.

Bishop made another mental note to figure out what it was about Daeghun that scared him when no one else in the world did. _Well, I guess this makes leaving a challenge, doesn't it?_

If he only knew…


	2. How to Catch a Ranger 101

Author's Note:

As Jade Sabre astutely observed, this story's kinda like the love child of one of my more ridiculous works but has a much more serious subject matter. And it kinda gets a lot more complicated later on. That being said, please don't hate me for that :) Enjoy! And feel free to review :)

Chapter Two: How to Catch a Ranger 101

Raelis' second night sleeping alone was significantly worse than the first night.

The first night had been sleepless, true, but she used the time to convince herself that she was in a perfect position to take care of a baby by herself; after all, she had an entire keep full of prospective babysitters, none of whom would teach her baby to become a bounty hunter (barring the slightly shady arms dealer, but she doubted she would ever need to use him as a babysitter to begin with; if she did, it probably meant the rest of the keep had been burned down by the dragons Deekin was certain were coming (she also made a mental note that Deekin would never be an acceptable babysitter, no matter how good his intentions were)). And even if Bishop never came back, between Bishop's genes and Daeghun's presence her baby still had a better-than-average chance of being a good ranger. In fact, that first night she had managed to convince herself that it was better for everyone involved that Bishop had left.

The second night she had spent bawling while Ammon Jerro, of all people, rubbed her hair. It reminded the half-sun-elf of the fact that, at one point, the warlock had been married with children. But by the time she woke up he was gone, and she knew better than to go thank him.

She eventually got up, got dressed, performed her ritualistic prayers, and went to go about her captainly duties. As a priestess of the Morninglord, being alert and functional at dawn was an absolute must, but it was days like this she lamented that her prayers had to be done at daybreak. Even worse, she had never acquired a taste for coffee.

"Good morning Captain!" Kana greeted her solemnly, bowing as she did every morning. "Our Graycloaks have returned victorious from routing the bandit troupe, and Master Veedle has completed the temple, as you commanded. However, Lady Katriona has reported to me that there is a disturbance in the courtyard that might require your attention."

Raelis nodded her assent to go find out, not able to talk around her yawn. Her sleep had been restful thanks to Ammon's comfort, but she hadn't gotten enough of it to really make her feel rejuvenated. As such, when she entered the courtyard she was pretty sure she was dreaming.

A gigantic metal cage was hanging in the center of the courtyard, drawing the attention of most of her Graycloaks. The rest of them were watching Grobnar as he danced around in joy. Elanee viewed the cage with a look of satisfaction. It all struck Raelis as some kind of old, obscure ritual, and that all they needed now was a human sacrifice.

Grobnar bounded over to her. "Oh, Miss Raelis, I am so very, very glad you've finally woken up and I can show you what I made! We'll get Sir Bishop back in no time, don't you worry!" The gnome grabbed her hand and dragged her to the gigantic metal cage. "Miss Elanee has even helped with the specifics!"

"Oh Grobnar," Raelis said fondly, rubbing the gnome's head after they had stopped walking. "I can't believe you found out just yesterday about Bishop and you already made… this… … thing. So what in Lathander's name is it?"

Grobnar only looked too proud to explain. "It's simple, really! First I gathered together some chain links from some traveling Night Masks…"

* * *

"Pickles… pickles… pickles…" Casavir muttered, scanning the shelves for some. This was the fourth store he'd visited. It wasn't going well.

* * *

"… then I welded together the sides of the cube using the breath of a wyvern that I've been raising in secret – I named him Fluffenstuffs, then… … … …"

* * *

Bishop had waited until the other ranger had fallen asleep before running away from "their" campsite. He had debated leaving Karnwyr behind, but in the end the wolf was trailing behind him as the two left the camp.

An hour into their retreat, Bishop relaxed against a tree, sliding down it. Karnwyr moved between his legs, placing his head underneath Bishop's hand.

"What makes you think I'm going to scratch your ears, mutt? You'll have to actually provide a lookout if you want ear rubs."

Karnwyr pressed his left ear into Bishop's hand. _Deadbeat Master will have to give ear rubs if he wants lookout._

"It's not going to work that way, pup. Quit calling me 'deadbeat.'"

_When Master leaves pupped mate, then master deadbeat._

Bishop's omnipresent scowl deepened as he finally took the time to think about it all.

He was going to be a father. It was something that he had never before considered happening, as the only women he'd ever been with were, at least, quite skilled in making sure such a thing never happened. How could contraceptives have slipped his mind?

_Maybe… maybe you wanted them to slip your mind._

Bishop's entire body shuddered in response to that. "I don't want kids!" he said aloud. "Hells, I don't even _like_ kids. I never wanted kids, not even with her! I can't be a father." He started rubbing Karnwyr's ears distractedly.

_Master raised __**me**__, yes?_

"Hells, I don't even like _you_ half the time."

_Deadbeat._

"Like right now."

_Deadbeat jerk._

* * *

" and then I connected the hinges using the entrails of one of Mr. Jerro's demons... … …"

Raelis vaguely wondered how she hadn't fallen asleep yet. Or maybe she had?

* * *

Casavir triumphantly held up a jar of pickles. And then he noticed the fact that there were at least six different _types_ of pickles. And he scowled.

* * *

"… so the wire was the hardest part because I had to steal it from the druids in the mere, which I can assure you was no easy task! … … …"

* * *

Bishop was about to retort when an arrow scraped the top of his head, hitting the tree.

Daeghun was sitting perched in a nearby tree, another arrow aimed at him. "I was wondering when you would notice I was here. I got impatient."

_He's bluffing! He has to be! Run! Run!_

Bishop took off into the forest.

Daeghun gave a great sigh and placed the arrow back in his quiver. He calmly got out of the tree and started walking.

* * *

"and after that Miss Elanee set the bait, and so now you have this wonderful ranger trap, which I've decided to call the Betrayer Traitor Ranger Danger 3000!"

Raelis rubbed her eyes to try to wake herself back up. "Um…" She looked at the trap a little closer. "Is the bait peanut butter?"

"And birdseed," Elanee added.

The priestess stared at her two companions before finally managing, "He's not a _squirrel!_"

"What?" Grobnar asked.

"This is a really big squirrel trap!" she continued, pointing at it. "My father taught me to make one when I was still living in West Harbor!"

Grobnar rubbed his chin and looked at it with his head tilted sideways. "I don't see it," he confessed, "But what I _do_ see is that it really should be called the Betrayer Traitor Ranger Danger 3000 _and a half_ because-"

Raelis ignored him in favor of giving Elanee a shake of her head. "And of all the things in the world to use as bait, you actually used squirrel bait. I expect these things from Grobnar, but from you?"

"Well I'm sorry, but all the whores and money are with the Circle of the Mere!" Elanee snapped back in a rare display of anger before storming off.

"And _I'm_ the pregnant one," the priestess muttered to herself.

"The Circle of the Mere has whores and money?" Grobnar asked.

Raelis looked down at him. "I think she was being sarcastic, Grobnar."

"Oh. What does that mean?"

Raelis sighed.

* * *

It finally occurred to him - after his heart was pounding so hard that he was almost certain a heart attack was the next step - that maybe, just maybe, Bishop could fight back. His bow had never left his back, and the bow itself was magically enchanted to never run out of arrows (the best birthday present he had ever received, he had to admit, and it was made sweeter by the fact that Raelis had sweetened the deal that night). So Bishop pulled the bow off his back, twisted the top half of his body and shot a magical arrow behind him blindly, hoping to get lucky or at least figure out where Daeghun was.

No such luck on both counts. The arrow harmlessly went into the distance, striking a tree. Return fire whizzed past his ear.

He stopped abruptly and hid behind a particularly large oak, arrow drawn and ready to fire. He tuned his ears to listen for the telltale sounds of his attacker – the sounds of his breathing, his stepping, the pull of a bow string… nothing. He heard nothing. Bishop scowled and ventured a look around the tree, and nearly lost his ear for the effort.

"I hope you realize I'm missing on purpose," the voice of his stalker sailed through the air. "You can't be a father to my grandchild as a corpse, but continue to test my patience and the paladin will be a suitable replacement."

_Oh, hells no, Casavir isn't playing daddy to my kid! Wait, I can't complain, I … left… _For some reason he felt his blood run cold, and he wasn't sure what part of it bothered him…

Bishop fired off another shot and started running again.

Casavir bought a jar of each type of pickle (why the need for so many kinds, he had no idea) and started his walk back from Port Llast to Crossroad Keep.

Bishop finally came to rest by collapsing. Karnwyr, who was equally exhausted, lied down next to him with a whine.

Daeghun Farlong stood over the pair and made a tsking noise with his tongue. "I wondered when you would get here."

_No… way…_

Bishop mercifully passed out.


	3. SelfConfessions

A/N: I'm noticing that, for some reason, it goes back and forth between "ridiculous" and more serious… Case in point, this one is a bit more serious, but the next one's odd again. Anyhow, enjoy! And thanks for reviewing!

Chapter Three: Self-Confessions

Casavir, large bag slung over his shoulder, walked up the path to Crossroad Keep, completely exhausted and more than a little dirty. He wryly acknowledged to himself that at least for today he would be free of any complaints of his shiny platemail blinding anyone.

He was saluted by the guards as he walked through the courtyard, and he nodded to them. He had an interesting relationship with Crossroad Keep's Graycloaks – they respected him for his battle prowess and his ability to calm those in charge, but yet he knew full well the men snidely regarded him as Raelis' whipped patsy boy, as a man completely enamored with a woman who would rather be with the human incarnation of an angry, evil rodent.

Casavir often wondered how it had come to this.

The throne room of Crossroad Keep was a place of hustle as Kana had Raelis' upper arm and was physically dragging the priestess in. Katriona, from her place in the corner, looked amused.

"I have a special mission assignment for the Graycloaks," Kana informed her, her tone all business, "We have been having problems with the undead to the south-"

"You can let go of my arm now."

"And you'll just run away again." But she let go. "I was thinking-"

"_CASAVIR!_" Raelis cried in joy, running away from Kana and tackling Casavir in a hug. He was used to it by now; Raelis had an amazing ability to challenge his comfort levels without prompting any ire on his part. In fact, he rubbed her hair, as he always did. "Oh, Casavir, welcome back! Aaaaaaaaand…"

He handed her his bounty. She looked in it and emitted a squeal so loud and joyful that those who hadn't heard it before – Katriona and Kana – had to cover their ears. Casavir had been there when she had been told she was Knight Captain, when she had met Karnwyr, when she had beaten Lorne by herself and to her surprise, and when she had cajoled Casavir into being the last member of the Spice Girls (they needed a Sporty Spice). With a chant of "pickles," Raelis skipped back to her room.

Kana looked at Casavir coldly. "You will pay for that."

Casavir sighed.

She walked up and handed Casavir another sack. "This is the Knight Captain's personal mail. You will go through it and sort it."

"Aye milady," he voiced lamely.

* * *

Bishop had a list of things he had painfully yet silently admitted to himself and that he would never, ever admit aloud.

1. He wasn't gay, but he would be for the lead singer of REO Speedwagon;

2. He was really a cat person;

3. All he really wanted to do was be a druid, and he initially wanted to "romance" Elanee, not Raelis;

4. That being said, he was hopelessly in love with Raelis Farlong;

5. He thought his stubble made him look sexy but it itched like hell sometimes;

6. He was terrified to death of clowns;

7. He was a better soufflé chef than he was an archer;

8. He had stolen the idea for bringing back 'your mom' jokes from some drunkard in the tavern in Port Llast;

9. He just loved snuggling, be it with priestesses of Lathander, a usually unwilling wolf, or just a pillow;

And now

10. Daeghun Farlong was a much, much better ranger than he was.

Case in point, he had officially given up trying to outrun or outmaneuver the elf. As a result, he and his prospective father-in-law were forced into an uncomfortable silence as they made camp. Bishop's stomach was growling because he refused to eat the game that Daeghun caught, in fear of it being poisoned somehow. No matter how many times Bishop glared at him, made derisive snorts or outright growled at him, Daeghun continued to remain undaunted.

Silently Bishop started to wonder when the moralizing would start, or at _least_ when Daeghun would establish why he was here. But Daeghun was a man of fewer words than Bishop, and the latter was to be disappointed by the former's lack of explanation.

But Daeghun had explained his intentions to someone else…

* * *

Casavir gave another sigh and rubbed his temple as he stared at yet another letter. He had made three stacks that were roughly up to his head from the desk – one stack for fan mail, one stack from the Temple of Lathander in Neverwinter wanting her to join them, and one stack from Lord Nasher or his representatives.

And then there was this new one that, as Casavir read it again, didn't fit into any of those categories.

_Raelis, _

_I've located your runaway mate, but as I have no desire to chase him again should he run away if I brought him back, I will give him 12 days to return to you of his own volition. On the twelfth day, I will kill him. I suggest that you begin searching for a suitable replacement father for my grandson. On behalf of the fetus, might I suggest you avoid the gnome?_

_Daeghun_

He could easily discard the letter, and Raelis would never know what had happened to her father and the father of her child. She could move on with her life, and when Daeghun inevitably returned, she would never have to look at her foster-father as a murderer. She also wouldn't embark into the wilderness herself in an effort to locate the two, which Casavir had to silently admit was more of the point. On the other hand, he wasn't in the right to get rid of someone else's letter, no matter the contents. Just because he happened to think that Bishop would be improved with dozens of arrows shoved through his torso (although actually he'd be even better with Casavir's sword shoved through his forehead with the divine might of Tyr behind it, but that was beside the point) didn't mean that Casavir would be morally justified in discarding the letter and crossing his fingers that Bishop didn't have a change of heart.

This left Casavir in a very interesting position.

* * *

Karnwyr walked back to camp, carrying a rabbit in his jaws. Relief flooded over Bishop, and he silently thanked the wolf; not that he thought Karnwyr was above poisoning him too, but the lack of opposable thumbs made the task much more difficult for Karnwyr than for Daeghun.

"I'm not going to kill you yet," Daeghun said, breaking his self-imposed silence.

"Excuse me for not believing you," Bishop snarled back, taking the rabbit from Karnwyr and beginning to skin it.

Daeghun climbed a tree with an expert precision usually attributed to squirrels. He settled in on a branch, leaning against the trunk. "Believe what you will. In the end, we will all do what we have to do."

_That is the creepiest elf I have ever seen_, Bishop had to admit as he started cooking the rabbit,_ How'd someone like him raise someone like Raelis, whose equivalent forcing-me-to-do-something-I-didn't-want-to-do involved not letting me say no, cheerfully proclaiming that it was going to be awesome, and then giving me a cookie? Raelis, the half-elven personification of sunshine?_

Karnwyr sat down and started watching Bishop's cooking actions intently. _Cooking unnecessary, you know_, the wolf pointed out, _Takes away the flavor._

"As well as a whole bunch of other shit I have no intention of digesting," Bishop responded, turning the rabbit over the fire, "If you want something raw you're going to have to go catch something yourself."

_… so you take my food and make me catch something else for me. How much more deadbeat can you get, Deadbeat?_

"Well I was going to split this with you, but now I think I'm hungry enough to eat the whole thing by myself. And every time you call me 'deadbeat' I'm going to smack you on the head."

_If the boot fits… The deadbeat boot, hee hee._

Bishop smacked him. The wolf let out a squeal of annoyance and moved to the other side of camp.

Bishop started eating, finishing it in record time. His hunger was barely sated, but he didn't trust Daeghun to not shoot him if he tried leaving again. Briefly he debated trying to kill the elf in his sleep, but he highly doubted the elf was actually sleeping and, more to the point, if he could even kill him.

And, in the very furthest corner of his mind, Bishop had to admit that the elf had a point being here. If Bishop had a daughter – which, even if he did, he had no intention of ever hanging around – and his daughter got pregnant by a man who left, well, Bishop would be doing the exact same thing (only with a lot more snide comments, he had to admit. Daeghun was much too literal to be any good at those). Maybe… Bishop had to scowl as he silently admitted that, in his estimation, Daeghun would be completely justified and perfectly in the right to kill him. The more and more he thought about his situation, the more and more he wished the elf would just get it over with.

The Realms would be a better place without him.

* * *

All the way across the Sword Coast, Bishop's thought found a kindred spirit in Casavir, who had stuck the letter into the fire heating the Knight Captain's office…

* * *

… and promptly confessed his soul to the only other noble person who was not involved in this love awkward-shape, Khelgar.

"So ye actually threw it in the fire?" Khelgar asked in surprise.

Casavir nodded, drinking some ale. Every time he thought of it, he felt guilty. "And yet I cannot tell Miss Raelis for that exact reason."

Khelgar looked as thoughtful as a drunk dwarf can look; needless to say, not thoughtful at all. "Eh, don't worry about it, paladin. If Raelis' crazy elf dad kills the bastard ranger the Realms'll be a happier place."

"That was my logic too," Casavir admitted, drinking some more.

"Geez lad, how much are you going to drink?"

"Until I can no longer think. That is the goal of many binge-drinkers, is it not?"

Khelgar held up his own mug. "And to think it took this long for me to like you. Drink up, lad!"


	4. Complications

Chapter Four: Complications

Raelis had a very big problem, and it wasn't the growing fetus in her uterus or the fact that her companions had mutinied and sent her back to Crossroad Keep upon finding out that gaining the Ironfist Clan's aid would involve giant slaying. No, her problem was that her hormones had shifted once more, moving on to an extreme, almost obsessive desire to have sex.

Raelis needed to get laid, and badly.

* * *

Bishop also had a very big problem, and it was the growing fetus in the sense that if it wasn't for said fetus, the fetus' grandfather wouldn't be standing before him with an arrow notched and pointed at his forehead.

It was the twelfth day. Not that Bishop understood the significance of that fact, except that for some reason the elf had decided that today was the day to kill him.

"It took you long enough," Bishop said, trying his best to appear as if he didn't care whether or not the elf killed him.

"Don't bluff. I can smell your fear."

_I stand by my assertion that this is, in fact, the creepiest elf in the world._

"I am not," Daeghun said.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Excuse me?"

Both rangers looked over. A young boy approached them, hands up in a gesture of surrender. "Um, I'm traveling with a caravan from Athkatla, and we're lost. Are either of you rangers? You look like rangers to me."

Daeghun lowered the bow, deciding to not kill Bishop. "Aye, lad, we can lead you where you need to go."

"We?" Bishop echoed.

The boy looked thrilled. "Oh, that's great, misters! We're going to Crossroad Keep to deliver a supply of iron, and… and… oh, this is great! Let me go tell my parents!" The boy ran off.

"Ah, and it seems you'll be returning to Crossroad Keep rather you like it or not," Daeghun said thoughtfully, moving to follow the boy.

"I'm not going anywhere! I didn't run-"

"So now you're going to shirk your duty as a ranger as well as a father?"

_Double Deadbeat!_ Karnwyr said cheerfully.

"Fine," Bishop growled, "But don't be surprised if I leave."

* * *

"Hi Sand," she said as cheerfully and as innocently as possible. "How are you?"

Sand, who was sitting in the corner of the library with a tome larger than his lap resting on it, regarded her warily. "Aren't you supposed to be bashing things and having drinking contests with the dwarves?"

"The others wouldn't let me stay with them because it involved giant slaying and who knows what else. Plus I can't have alcohol."

"I see." He went back to reading.

Raelis pulled another chair over and sat down next to him.

He ignored her.

She smiled brightly.

He looked at her with a raised eyebrow before looking back at his book.

She continued smiling.

He turned the page.

She continued smiling.

"Yes?" he asked, annoyed. He was trying to read, but it was hard to with that bright, sunny smile continuing to shine at him.

"So Sand," Raelis purred, "how about we make some magic of our own?"

A full minute and a half of silence passed between the two companions; every second Raelis' face grew redder, and after the minute she began sweating nervously.

"That was the worst pickup line I have ever had the painful pleasure of receiving," Sand admitted, closing the book.

The knight captain grimaced. "Hold on, I think I have another one here." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a sheet of paper. "Oh, okay, yes, 'you know, I never minded getting sand in my pants when going to the beach, so' – okay, that's even worse."

"Much worse," Sand agreed, reaching over and snatching the paper from her grasp. He looked it over. "Oh dear."

"Yes, yes, that is a list of people in the order I would have sex with them," she said quickly, reaching out to try and grab the list. The dexterous mage moved out of her way.

"And, more importantly, it has a list of pickup lines," he said aloud, his tone indicating he didn't quite believe what he was reading. "I must say, dear girl, I'm flattered to be at the top, although that might be shame on your behalf I'm feeling. I beat out darling Casavir?"

"Maybe." Raelis had given up trying to grab the list but still looked embarrassed.

"That is something I never expected would happen, although I must point out that 'you must do me for the good and honor of all' is a significantly better pickup line."

"Really?" she asked, looking hopeful. "Until Casavir comes out and says he loves me I'm doing my best to consider him my butler, but if push comes to shove…"

"It's still hideous, but Casavir has made it clear his standards are exceedingly _low_, so you might have a chance with it."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Hmmm… third is Nevalle, no surprise there, but 'we can blindfold you and you can pretend I'm Lord Nasher' is, while perfectly accurate, not likely to actually succeed…" One of Sand's eyebrows shot straight up and he looked at the priestess while slowly reading, "'The Construct is testament to how good with your hands you are, and I like that in a man'? _Grobnar_ is your fourth choice?"

"He's funny?" Raelis said lamely.

"Is that even physically possible?" Sand looked less disgusted and more confused.

"Just… just, okay, it probably will never come to that!"

"Then 'let's see what Ironfist manhood is really like', oh dear..." Sand glanced down the list. " 'I always wondered how that tail fit into the grand scheme of things' – aw, how quaint, you're willing to become a lesbian for this-"

"Did I tell you I'm desperate?"

"I can tell you with certainty that our Mr. Jerro will not go for 'Do you think Mephasm will do a threesome?'"

"Heh… heh… can we stop now, please?"

"And then 'I never noticed how handsome you are until you put on that Greycloak uniform' – well, Bevil certainly ranked far down the list… and then, 'What's your name?' for, and I quote," Sand put up his fingers in little quote marks, "that one Neverwinter Nine dude, you know, the one who came to kill the thieves after we already did. Unquote."

"He was really hot," Raelis admitted.

"Too bad you don't even know his name…"

"It begins with a D, I think."

"And the gith beat out Qara, leaving our little 'come on baby light my fire' firebrand in last place. At least you show some, if very little, taste. And I rather do like 'Know that I would like for us to copulate.'"

"I'm not sure she would get any sexual innuendos."

Sand made a clicking noise with his tongue as he folded up the list. "My dear knight captain, you clearly were not exaggerating when you said you need to, how did humans put it, get laid."

"See! You thought I was joking! I'm desperate, Sand! Even if Bishop _hadn't_ left me because I got pregnant, I would _still _kill him for leaving me when I'm so very, very, _very_ needy!" she whined.

"As much as I appreciate the gesture, I'm going to have to decline the honor I'm afraid. You see, I have little to no interest in being brutally mauled and utterly annihilated by four very angry, very protective men."

"Awww, c'mon, that's what invisibility spells are for… wait, _four _men?"

He held up a finger with each person. "The ranger, the paladin, your foster father, and your foster uncle."

"Number one, Bishop gave up any right he had to being possessive when he left me-"

"I'm sure he'll see it that way after turning me into a pincushion."

"Number two, I'll just have to convince Casavir that it's somehow his fault and he'll spend the rest of his life, er, in a state of despondency – okay, maybe it's not the best idea, but still! Everyone has to make sacrifices here, and that's what Casavir's always wanted anyhow!"

"And then in his grief he'll smite me, I'm sure. In any event-"

"Number three, my father is currently missing in action, and he wouldn't even know about this, and number four, really? You're afraid of Uncle Duncan? You _do_ realize you've become something of an archmage over the course of our adventures together, right?"

Sand gave a great sigh. "With all of the information you haven't been told, it's a miracle you can even walk and talk at the same time."

"Huh?" Raelis asked, not expecting that response.

"Come, girl, I think Ammon Jerro can explain this better than I can."

* * *

"What do _you_ want?" the warlock asked, standing up from his position wherein he'd been painting blood on the floor in a pattern that Raelis didn't want to know.

"I thought you could best explain to our illustrious knight captain exactly why I have no desire to anger her uncle, Duncan Farlong," Sand said airily.

To Raelis' surprise, Ammon's glowing tattoos stopped glowing. "She's… she's related to _him?_"

"What's going on?" Raelis asked.

"I'm sorry for everything I've ever said negative about you!" Ammon blurted. "I honestly had no idea you were-"

"Would someone please explain why you're afraid of Uncle Dun-"

Sand reached out and covered Raelis' mouth. "Now now, if you say his name more than three times it's said he'll appear. Hush now, let Ammon explain."

_This is too weird,_ Raelis thought.

"He… your uncle… is… the greatest warlock of our time. No, beyond that, of _all_ time. He's transcended mere warlock status into something greater, something _grander_," Ammon explained.

"… huh?"

"Certainly you've questioned why Bishop would, rather than kill him, hang around his bar after being blackmailed by him. Certainly you've also questioned why everyone in the city of Neverwinter knows and loves the Sunken Flagon. Certainly you've also questioned why, when the githyanki attacked, he was not injured no matter how often they struck him. _Certainly you've also questioned_ why it is that Qara accepted being forced into servitude by him instead of just ignoring him or trying to set him on fire, as is her wont. And certainly you've also questioned why Duncan was once an adventurer and the only one of his group who survived," Sand supplied.

"I… I never… But a warlock?" She was too shocked to even point out that Sand hadn't been there when the Sunken Flagon had been sacked by githyanki or when Qara had joined the group (however, judging from Duncan's penchant for talking, he probably received this information second-hand anyhow).

"When I die," Ammon explained, "my soul will be divided and tortured by the numerous demons and devils I bound and imprisoned. When the devils and demons die, usually at his hands, their souls will be divided and tortured by Duncan Farlong."

"… you… you have to be… joking?"

"Seeing as his name has been said three times, he'll probably be here soon enough and he can explain it to you," Sand said airily, standing up to leave.

"But wait! Why are you allowed to insult him?" Raelis demanded.

Sand didn't turn around, but his back went rigid. "We… have a deal. I give him my ale purgative, he does not… destroy me. Over time, he grew to appreciate my particular brand of sarcasm and deigned to not devour my soul as such."

Raelis shook her head and stood up to follow him. "I need to digest this; this is still way too weird…"

"Raelis!" Ammon called out as she left, addressing her by her first name for the first time since the two met. Both Raelis and Sand turned to look to see what he had to say. "If… when he comes… I wouldn't dare to ask for a meeting, but… … … can you get me his autograph? Please?"

_And I thought that a drunk Grobnar would be the weirdest thing I would ever have to endure. I was wrong. Not by a lot, though. _"Sure, Ammon. I'll be happy to get you his autograph."

_"Thank you_. He's my hero!"

"So… anyhow… back to our original topic…" Raelis gave a great sigh as the two left Jerro's Hell Room. "I'll be honest with you Sand – the entire time I was thinking to myself, 'you know, it's not technically incest because you two haven't know each other that long and you're not related by blood, so maybe'… … yeah."

"Ah, I don't suppose the knowledge that your uncle is effectively the ruler of all that is evil in the planes would deplete your libido?" Sand asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, you know, if it's really him you're worried about, he'll definitely consider you a step up from Bishop… We can be really sneaky about all this and keep it a secret and no one will ever find out! And, regarding Duncan, I can just let him know about Bishop right before he's going to kill you to distract him. You'll be perfectly safe!"

Abruptly, Sand pressed her up against the wall and cut her off with a kiss.

* * *

"_OH DEAR THAT IS A BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG DRAGON!" _Grobnar squealed, pointing emphatically at the red dragon in question.

"Oo, money!" Neeshka also squealed, bypassing the giants and the dragon to go plundering.

"Charge!" Casavir roared, holding aloft his sword and charging.

"For Ironfist!" Khelgar also roared, following suit. A moment later, "Oh gods I need healing! _GITH ARE YOU CASTING BLESS AGAIN?_"

"_Know_ that I know the most effective use of my power," Zhjaeve said, finishing her casting of bless. In her defense, once Khelgar died she did resurrect him… and then cast bless on him.

Qara laughed maniacally as she started flinging magical spells at everyone in her path, including her companions.

Elanee crossed her arms and went to go sit in the corner. "My apologies," she said aloud, sounding not at all apologetic, "but it just so happens that all of my spells are with the Circle of the Mere."

* * *

Raelis was draped over Sand's chest, drawing little circles on the mage with her finger. "I really needed that," she murmured, kissing his collarbone.

Despite himself, it sent delicious shivers down his spine. _I suppose I needed it too,_ he thought, strangely unable to say the words aloud.

"I suppose it would be tacky to ask Casavir to bring me some ice-cream, huh? Oh wait, he's gone giant-slaying. Care to get me some ice-cream?"

_Dear sweet sadistic Mystra, what have I gotten myself into?_ Sand thought.


	5. Different Sides

Note: Thanks to Jade Sabre for all of the amazing reviews, plus pointing out that Sand was referring to himself referring to himself in the wrong person XD (he said he was speaking in third-person, whereas he was speaking in second-person.) Danke :)

Chapter Five: Different Sides

Sand was silently amazing himself at his ability to walk to his alchemy workbench without shaking or passing out or doing some sort of very embarrassing action. Despite the fact that his brain was unable to focus on a single idea, his body at least looked presentable.

Finally the storm of thoughts running through his head managed to congeal into one basic idea – he needed to calm down. Now.

_I can make a potion to calm myself, _he thought, excited by the new train of thought, _or perhaps I can find a sleeping spell and somehow half it, or_ –

In his distracted state he bumped into Ammon Jerro, who was making his way to go visit his demonic hell circle in the basement. The warlock's mug of something spilled all over the front of Sand's robe, assaulting the mage's superior sense of smell with –

"And where are you going, mage? The library is across the keep and your easy-bake potion oven is in the basement, the stairs to which you just passed. I'd suggest you go to the latter place and make me some more tea or it will be _your_ soul-"

"Tea!" Sand exclaimed. He turned and walked off in the other direction.

Ammon, who rarely concerned himself with the activities of his "companions", couldn't help but wonder what in the hells was wrong with the elf.

"Wrong way!" Sand declared, walking back through the room and past Ammon.

_Maybe he accidentally read a Scroll of Stupidity?_

"Still the wrong way!" Sand re-declared, finally finding the doors down to the basement.

Ammon stared at Sand thoughtfully as the elf finally made it downstairs. "That elf needs to get laid," he commented before going downstairs himself.

Little did Ammon know it was the exact opposite problem.

Sand prided himself in the fact that he didn't fall down the stairs (he only stumbled a little bit). But the images racing through his mind of being sniped by arrows, being smote (both holily and unholily), having sex and drinking tea were suddenly and violently replaced by the very real vision of Qara, freshly returned from dragon and giant slaying, bent over his (_his! hishishishishishishishishishishishis!)_ alchemy workbench, creating something that smelled disturbingly like peat moss, tangerines, vinegar, moldy cheese, violets, and swamp water. The sorceress in question had yet to notice Sand's presence as she continued simmering the strange concoction.

"If that's poison for me, I guarantee you I won't be drinking it. It smells worse than Khelgar after eating whatever in the hells Elanee makes for us when it's her turn to cook."

Qara was clearly startled in that she lost control of the fire and ignited her sleeve. "Damn it Sand!" she squealed in a way that made the mage's as-sensitive-as-his-nose ears hurt, "Didn't they teach you manners at whatever cantrip school you went to?" She concentrated on her arm and put out the fire.

Sand wasn't quite in the right mindset for sarcastic quips, so all he was able to come up with was, "Excuse me, you're using _my_ workbench! They most certainly didn't teach you any manners waiting tables at the Sunken Flagon!"

"I didn't wait tables there, I cleaned them up! It's a bar, not a restaurant!"

The two mortal foes stared at each other. _All right, she has a point,_ Sand admitted to himself, _but to be fair, you just had (admittedly great) sex with a woman pregnant with a sociopath's child, you're not exactly on your A-game. Let's just… ask her again. Wait, are you - am I thinking in second person?_

"Um, hello?" Qara asked.

_Oh sweet, merciful Mystra, dear Corellon and anyone else who happens to listening, I'm starting to think in second person! _A look of sheer horror plastered itself on his face.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaand he's finally lost it." With a nod of acceptance, Qara returned to the workbench. "Took long enough."

_This can't be happening! I'm much too young to be going insane! I only just turned 500!_

"And the last ingredient is sugar," Qara said sweetly, sprinkling the sugar on top of the beaker. "And I'm done! Say, Sand, do you know where Raelis is?"

That brought Sand back to reality. He did, after all, know exactly where Raelis was. She was asleep… in Sand's bed… and naked. Very naked._ And satisfied!_ the male in Sand chimed in.

"She is… she is… well, I don't know where she is, but I can tell you where she is _not!_ She is _not_ in my room!"

Qara and Sand stared at each other again.

"What are you making?" Sand asked quickly.

"Oh, this?" She held up her beaker. "It's kind of a long story, but when I burned down the boys' locker room I had to do twenty hours of community service at one of the nearby temples, and I had to work with a pregnant woman, and this is what she made for herself for her cravings! She said it was the only thing that made her feel better."

"That… that sin against my nasal cavities?" Sand finally remembered he could cover his nose.

"Geez Sand, it's not for _you_!" Qara snapped, passing him and walking up the stairs. "Fine, I'll find her myself. _Raelis_ will appreciate this, even if her baby is half demon!"

"Wait," Sand said aloud, more to himself than to her, "Did you do something nice… for someone else?"

Qara, who was halfway up the stairs, looked back over her shoulder. "Don't tell anyone else, okay?" she said with a wink; a wink that made Sand feel like he had been punched in the face. She kept walking upstairs.

_Get laid for the first time in a hundred years and the world feels like a new place_, Sand admitted to himself, before going to fix up his alchemy lab and make himself (and Ammon Jerro) some tea.

* * *

"Knight Captain!"

Raelis groggily opened the eye that wasn't pressed against the pillow, and then instantly closed it.

Kana stood over her with a disdainful look. She pulled the pillow away and threw it behind her. "It's nearly time for lunch, Knight Captain, and I'm afraid that no matter your nightly activities I cannot allow you to shirk your duty anymore!"

Raelis grabbed the sheet and threw it over her head. Her mind was busily trying to figure out where she was, what she had been doing last night…

_Or __**who**_**…**_Oh, yeah._

"The Graycloaks have come back from their latest mission," Kana recited as if Raelis was _not_ naked in a room that wasn't hers (_how did she even find me?_ Raelis had to wonder), "which I will have to debrief you on. Also, apparently you have twenty more long-lost uncles, fifteen long-lost brothers, and at least twelve long-lost sisters."

"That's less than usual," Raelis admitted, wrapping the sheet around her body and trying her best to act as blasé as Kana was. She spotted her robes, which had been neatly piled on a chair. "Any of them named Duncan?"

Kana looked surprised. "Actually, yes, one of the uncles was. He kept calling me 'lass' as well. Sound familiar?"

"Hmm. Either Jerro wasn't lying to me or this is the weirdest coincidence of my life… See if you can find him, and if you do tell him I'll meet him for lunch."

* * *

The caravan shipment wasn't a particularly large one, as it was manned only by a family of laborers who, as per their clothes, weren't all that wealthy. There was a man, his wife, and their three children all under the age of 15, and then there was their dwarven supervisor. The dwarven superior in question was dressed immaculately, as if all of the money went to him

"This isn't suspicious at all," Daeghun said sarcastically, fingering the shafts in his quiver to take a count. The two rangers were walking ahead of the caravan, leading it back to Crossroad Keep. Bishop decided to ignore the fact that he was effectively backtracking.

"Not at all," Bishop agreed, also sarcastically.

It was obvious to the two rangers that this family was slaves and the dwarf – who, despite an otherwise excellent disguise had a particular dusty smell associated with the Underdark and thus was a deurgar – was the slave master. Which left the two pondering this turn of events.

Bishop didn't give a shit one way or another if they killed the dwarf and freed the slaves. From his enthusiasm on the subject, Daeghun didn't care much either. Rather, Daeghun seemed to think that they _should_ free the slaves, but he didn't really _want_ to. Obligation.

Which made Bishop see an opportunity. The beautiful thing about obligation without passion is that it can be easily thwarted.

"You know, you don't really have to be here," Bishop said as the two continued walking, "Raelis doesn't seem to care one way or another if I'm there or not. You're only here out of duty to her, and if she doesn't care…" Bishop was a little surprised to acknowledge that they had been together for two weeks and this was the first real conversation they'd had.

Daeghun snorted. "Aye, Raelis is much too forgiving; a trait she inherited from her mother. But make no mistake; even if you and she hadn't had a liaison and you had simply betrayed the group and left, I would still hunt you down, both out of duty and out of pleasure."

"I don't think you feel pleasure."

"Really? Watching your eyes widen in terror and seeing you scramble to flee my wrath has been _very_ pleasurable." The elf sighed. "And if nothing else, I would rather be out in the wild hunting prey than confined in a keep and forced to endure the humans' inane court system. That the prey happens to have impregnated by daughter and run away simply adds makes the process that much more enjoyable. Now then, we are ten days away from Crossroad Keep, and as such in ten days if you do not enter the keep and take up your role as the father to my grandchild, I will kill you. And," here Daeghun looked at him, "I will _enjoy_ it."

Bishop couldn't think of a good response to that. Instead, he came up with, "You know, if you tried to convince me to go back in a nice way, maybe I'd be more likely to go back."

"No you wouldn't. You have the moral and nurturing instincts of a rabid hellcat. I know full well the only way to get you to do anything is by threats of violence or other sorts of coercion." The elf sighed again. "The only reason Raelis chose you, I am sure, is to somehow redeem you. It's what I get for allowing her to train under Brother Merring. Now, before we get to Crossroad Keep we will slay the deurgar – something you should find enjoyable. Until then, you will be silent."

* * *

"_UNCLE DUNCAN!_" Raelis squealed, embracing her foster uncle in the inn.

"Lass! How've you been doin'?" Duncan Farlong asked cheerfully, hugging his little niece back.

"Oh, things are crazy!" she said enthusiastically, "We're gathering alliances, Neverwinter's been giving us people to take care of, Sal has his own inn… Craziness!"

The two took a seat. "Aw, where's Sand? I was hoping to insult him a couple of times, but if he's already dead that can't be helped I guess."

"Never fear, I've shown up," Sand said airily, walking into the tavern, "I must say, Duncan, every time I see you you are at least surrounded by alcohol, if not imbibing it. If I cared I might start worrying about your health."

Raelis stared at her newfound lover, aghast. _If he's worried about Duncan killing him, why did he show up?_ She desperately wanted to ask him that aloud.

"I drink so much because I have to associate with you," Duncan replied with a smile.

"_So_, Uncle Duncan, I have a question for you," Raelis said cheerfully, cutting off a retort from Sand, "Why don't you ever go adventuring anymore?" Sand sat down at the table.

Duncan looked as if he understood what she was getting at. "All right, all right, you got me. The story goes like this. Do you remember when Waterdeep was being attacked by the Underdark, and then Mephistopheles showed up on the surface and started killing everything until he was defeated by some adventurers?"

She nodded. "Yes, the kobold who runs a shop here was a part of that group."

"Right. Well, anyhow, old Mephistopheles showed up a year or two later, getting ready for his vengeance, and I saw it as the perfect opportunity to finally bind the bugger to my will. He was the only one of the Archdevils I hadn't gotten yet, you see," Duncan said this as blasély as if he had been talking about the weather. "So I went down there and set about the task. Now Mephy-Stephy was a strong enough lad that I had to put some effort into it, and while I was distracted Asmodeus, bitter being my servant, took the time to curse me." Here Duncan looked dejected. "Every time I take three steps, the right shoelace on my boot unties. Only one pair of boots, mind, but they were my favorite. I called them my adventuring boots. Never again will there be another pair as comfortable!"

"I… I… Asmodeus… the… ruler of the hells…" Raelis recounted slowly, in awe, "managed to… curse one of your shoes. While you were distracted. Imprisoning another devil."

Duncan nodded sadly. "Aye. Although it's not technically 'imprisoning'; I haven't had to use that spell in a long time. Never since I ran across that marileth that-"

"So you're actually a warlock?" Raelis basically screamed, "Jerro _wasn't_ lying?"

"I told you so," Sand said smarmily.

Duncan's eyes brightened. "Jerro, as in Ammon? I've heard of him! Something of an upstart, an up-and-comer! I was going to have to devour him for keeping Koraboras from me as long as he did, but if he's working with you I guess I can leave him be for now."

"He wants your autograph," Sand pointed out. Raelis finally noticed that Sand was pale, sweating, and trembling slightly.

"Ah, I see," Duncan said, looking at Sand expectantly. "Anything else you want to tell me, Sand?"

"I… I… no…"

"What's going on?" Raelis asked.

Duncan smiled charmingly.

Suddenly Sand exclaimed, like someone taking a breath after holding it for too long, "I'm banging your niece! Every single night!"

Raelis reacted quickly. "Bishop got me pregnant and then left!"

Duncan looked shocked, which quickly was replaced by enraged. He disappeared in a puff of smoke, fire and ash.

Silence fell upon the two remaining sylvan lovers.

"I apologize," Sand said softly, color returning to his features, "He was somehow _compelling_ me to tell…"

"I figured," Raelis said, still in shock. "And we've only had sex once. Are you saying…"

"I'm saying if you're saying…"

"Then I guess I'm saying. But, um, for that, _you_ have to tell Ammon we never got him an autograph."

_"There_ you are!" Qara exclaimed, coming into the tavern and wielding a beaker. "I-"

"Hey now, no outside food or drinks in here!" Sal reprimanded her.

"Oh, stuff it before I burn this place down, Sal!"

The bartender looked flustered as he started cleaning some more dishes that were notably already spotless.

"I made you this!" Qara exclaimed, holding out the beaker.

Raelis covered her nose, and Sand threw himself backwards. "What _is_ that?" she asked, mortified.

"It's for your pregnancy cravings! Try it!"

Raelis held the beaker, debating whether or not to drink the concoction. On the one hand, she and Qara hadn't had the best relationship – although she had never been outright mean to the sorceress, her preference for Sand's sarcasm threw the young girl off; by trusting Qara's judgment on this, she could begin repairing broken fences. On the other hand, a sniff of the potion up-close cleared her sinuses. She was pretty sure drinks weren't supposed to do that.

She pressed the beaker to her lips, her eyes squeezed shut as if she hoped it would make her not be able to taste it. A few sips of the potion made her gag and burst into a coughing fit.

"I can _not_ believe you sampled that!" Sand proclaimed, backing up.

Qara's pleased expression did not change.

"It's _terrible_!" Raelis admitted, sipping it again. "It's… I can't identify a single ingredient in this!" She sipped it again. "I… I…"

Qara's pleased expression grew more pleased. "If you need more, I'll be at my new alchemy station."

"That's _my_ alchemy station!" Sand protested.

"Unless you can make more of this," Raelis said, looking disgusted as she continued drinking, "this amazingly horrible and crave-tastic whatever-it-is, then you have to share the station."

"Buuuuuut!"

"Kheeeelgar Kheeeelgar give me your answer do!" a drunk voice sang out.

"I'm half craaaaazy, all for the love of you!" another drunk voice sang out.

"It won't be a stylish marriage,"

"I can't afford a carriage,"

"But you'd look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two!" the two drunkards finished, stumbling into the bar.

No one would have been surprised if it had been Khelgar and Neeshka, as the two of them had bonded as drinking buddies (although Neeshka rarely allowed herself to get so drunk). They wouldn't have even been surprised if it had been Khelgar and Grobnar, as the gnome's resistance to peer pressure was exceedingly low and Khelger enjoyed cajoling people into drinking with him. But it wasn't.

"Sweet Lathander _Casavir_!" Raelis exclaimed, jumping up and running over to the clearly intoxicated paladin. He and Khelgar were supporting each other, which was impressive considering the blood alcohol content and the respective heights of both men. "Are you okay? Did someone die? Did you Fall? What's wrong?"

"_Nothing_!" the paladin proclaimed. "Absolutely nothing! I am certainly… not… feeling horrifically guilty and depressed!"

"Aye! No guilt from _this_ paladin!" Khelgar proclaimed, patting him on the back. Before Raelis could ask what Casavir was actually guilty and depressed about, the pat on the back knocked Casavir to the floor and he subsequently hit his head and lost consciousness.

"Khelgar?" Raelis asked. "What-"

"Now _that_ looks like a good idea!" Khelgar proclaimed, looking at Casavir's unconscious form. He grabbed his mug of ale and started chugging again. After finishing it off, he, too passed out.

"Damn, at the rate he's going he's going to be an alcoholic!" Neeshka, who'd followed the two in, commented about Casavir.

"This isn't the first time he's gotten so drunk?" Raelis asked, looking concerned.

_Get laid for the first time in a hundred years and the world feels like a new place_, Sand admitted to himself again.

* * *

While pondering yet again how he was going to get out of actually going into Crossroad Keep once they finally got there, Bishop was startled out of his reverie by a loud crack, a Latin-chanting choir, and the scents of fire and brimstone.

Daeghun sighed impatiently, rolling his eyes. "I have this under control, Duncan!"

Duncan smiled brightly, completely offsetting the way he'd arrived. "Daeghun!"'

_Oh hells_, Bishop thought.

"Hells is right," Duncan said sweetly.


	6. The Return

A/N: I love you people :)

Chapter Six: The Return

Sand continued to sip at his water while watching Nevalle get drunk in the Phoenix Tail Inn, waiting for the Nine member to say something. So far the only conversation between the two "friends" had been Nevalle pointing at him and saying, "You, bar, now."

"We have a huge problem," Nevalle admitted with another gulp.

"'We,' Nevalle?"

The knight glared at him. "In case you've forgotten, _Sand_, _my_ problems are _your_ problems."

"Yes, yes, I'm sure. And this problem is?"

Nevalle didn't respond for a few moments as he finished off the tankard. "Lord Nasher was... very upset to hear that Raelis was pregnant, especially with the child of an ex-Luskan assassin. He... may ... or may not... have told anyone who would listen that Raelis was pregnant with... Lathander's child."

"... Lathander her patron deity?"

"Yes, apparently Raelis has been having sex with Lathander on a regular basis. I've spent the last few days trying to keep Lathanderites from completing their holy pilgrimage to meet the Chosen of Lathander. I'm running out of excuses for her!"

_Apparently I'm a greater deity now,_ Sand thought, bemused. _It was only a matter of time, I suppose..._

"She's had head colds, premature labor, temporary bouts of insanity, extraplanar possession, food poisoning, invisibility spell malfunctions, third-degree burns over her entire body... temporary gnomitization..."

"Temporary... what?"

"Turning into a gnome. Yes, Sand, I actually told pilgrims who had traveled all the way from Baldur's Gate that the Chosen of Lathander couldn't meet with them because she had been turned into a gnome." Even Nevalle looked ashamed at the depths to which he had sunk.

"You clearly _are_ out of ideas," Sand admitted.

"Never mind the retribution that I'm certain a greater deity will visit upon Lord Nasher and myself for such a thing..."

"Well, I'm certain there's some way we can establish that no one sees her," Sand said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin, "Perhaps... ah, yes, perhaps quote she unquote can have a vision that prohibits the faithful from visiting her."

Nevalle stared at Sand with newfound respect. "That's brilliant," he managed.

"I know."

"I can't believe I didn't think of something so obvious!" Nevalle continued, now looking dejected, "I'm a failure as a knight!"

Sand patted the semi-drunk Nine member on the head. "If it makes you feel better, you were number three on Raelis' banging list. I was number one. Now she doesn't need the list anymore," Sand finished smugly.

And then he realized what he had said aloud, not in his head.

And then Nevalle actually registered what had been said.

* * *

Bishop had always been under the impression that Daeghun and Duncan were not that close. After all, Raelis had never even heard of her foster-uncle until it had become a life-or-death situation, and Daeghun didn't seem like a people person anyhow. The two, however, united in their mission, seemed to ignore that fact.

"There ain't no mountain hiiiigh enough," Duncan sang jovially.

"Ain't no valley looooow enough," Daeghun continued, his voice surprisingly decent (reminding Bishop that he was, after all, an elf).

"Ain't no river wiiiiide enough,"

"To keep me from getting to you!" the brothers finished, looking at Bishop.

He got the hint.

"Aw, cheer up, Bishop!" Duncan said, patting Bishop on the back heartily. "After all, this means you won't be going to the Wall of the Faithless!"

"Somehow that's not comforting at all," he had to admit.

"Nonsense! You have _no_ idea how many souls I have. You can all have parties! Well, it'll be hard to really enjoy the parties around all the pain and torture and that sort of thing, but still! And you'll be with Ammon Jerro, so you'll know someone!"

"I think I'll choose the Wall."

"So are we agreed that I will kill him and you will deal with what comes afterwards?" Daeghun inquired.

"Yeah, I can't imagine any other way of going about it. If _I_ kill him, well, then you won't have anything to do, and really, we both need to be involved in this. Besides, we don't want him leaving a mess, and you were always the neater of the two of us!"

"So what happens if I go back to Raelis?" Bishop asked.

The brothers Farlong looked at each other. Then they both burst into laughter.

* * *

Whenever Raelis needed counseling, there was only one of her subordinates she could count on to be thoughtful, objective, and sweet about giving her sage advice.

"So I'm not sure what to do," Raelis confessed as she sat down, "I mean, despite myself I think I'm still in love with Bishop, even though he left me and his child because he was too scared to stay. But at the same time, Casavir is so full of love and affection for me I find it almost painful that I don't return those feelings, at least to the same degree - he loves me like a man loves a woman, and I love him more like a brother than anything else. And then I'm really starting to think that I'm starting to fall in love with Sand, but I don't know if that could even go anywhere because I think he thinks we're just sleeping together. It's distressing! What do I do when Casavir finally gets up the courage to tell me how he feels? What do I do if Bishop comes back into the picture? What do I do if it turns out Sand feels the same way I do - hells, what do I do if he _doesn't_?" She sighed. "It's a day like this that makes me wish I drink. And that I hadn't slept with anyone."

"Big people is weird about sleeping," Deekin said sagely as he tidied up his section of the shop, "Deekin remembers when Deekin used to sleep with Boss, but then she starts sleeping with Goatman instead and Deekin gets kicked out of sleeping bag. Made Deekin sleep in other room in fact. What so special about Goatman anyhow? Well, Goatman warmer than Deekin maybe, but grumpier too."

Raelis looked at Deekin with a shocked expression before recognizing the kobold meant sleeping in the literal sense, and then she began laughing hysterically.

"Big people is weird about most things," Deekin admitted.

"_What in the name of every god and every hell are you idiots doing?_" Nevalle basically screamed, dragging an embarrassed-looking Sand behind him. "Because if it's not enough that you, the Knight Captain of Crossroad Keep, are pregnant with the child of an ex-Luskan assassin, now you're _sleeping with an ex-Luskan mage?_ Really? _REALLY?_"

Deekin ducked and hid behind his counter.

"Good job at keeping that secret," Raelis admonished Sand.

The mage in question looked like he wanted to bury himself somewhere, alive, and then hopefully never get dug up. "I may or may not have let it go to my head," he murmured.

Raelis resisted the urge to make a horrible sex pun.

"You have a reputation to uphold!" Nevalle continued with less screaming and more seething rage, "The entire _region_ is looking to you, and _you_ reflect Neverwinter, and _you_ are apparently sleeping with every Luskan you can find! Luskan, the very people who caused all the problems in the first place!"  
Raelis couldn't help but grin. "If that were true maybe Torio wouldn't be so uptight."

Sand looked as if he was choking on something. Nevalle looked aghast. "_This is hardly a joking matter!_ What is Lord Nasher going to do when he finds out? _What are we going to do when he finds out?_"

"Who says he has to find out?"

Nevalle looked as if that had never crossed his mind; or, really, like he didn't even recognize that as a viable option. "Wha... what?"

"Who says Nasher has to find out?" Raelis repeated.

Sand came to stand next to his "girlfriend." "Look at him!" he practically purred, "He looks like he's going to self-destruct!"

"Nasher... _doesn't_ find out? I... _don't_ tell Nasher something very important?"

"Nasher doesn't need to know everything," Raelis said soothingly, stepping forward to pat the confused-looking Nevalle on the head. "Especially things that don't concern him. Why don't you write him a report telling him about the surplus of money we have and how we're going to contact the lizardfolk soon about forming an alliance? That should make him very happy."

"And that's good," Nevalle agreed, "Nasher being happy is good."

"Go make Nasher happy!" Raelis said with a broad smile, pushing Nevalle out the door.

Sand resisted the urge to make a horrible sex pun.

"Yes! I can do that!"

"Just happy good news!" she called after him before closing the door to the shop. She sighed. "Why are all the people I associate with completely insane?" she asked, tears coming to her eyes.

The aspects of Raelis' pregnancy that Sand was used to dealing with revolved mostly around her hormones and the rapid changing thereof, so he knew well enough to give her a hug so she could cry about something anyone else would have been amused about. "There there," he said awkwardly, patting her on the head, "_You're_ completely insane too, so you fit right in!"

She cried harder.

_And that was probably the incorrect thing to say, _Sand guessed. Just because Sand was _used_ to dealing with the hormone changing doesn't mean he was _good_ at dealing with it.

* * *

Outside Crossroad Keep's main gate, Bishop and Daeghun faced down the deurgar slaver with drawn bows. To their respective surprises, the whole family drew out assorted weaponry and a fight broke out.

Despite the fact that they were _all_ slavers - it was easy to deduce that the family had been masquerading as slaves so that if a fight broke out they would have the element of surprise - they weren't all fighters, and it didn't take long for the two rangers to finish them off. Duncan contributed in that two of the children ran up and started stabbing him, which didn't even make him flinch.

When the battle ended, Daeghun calmly started gathering his bows. Duncan looked bored. And Bishop had to marvel at Daeghun's ability to go from battle to non-combat without flinching, as if it was all the same to him. Bishop had _tried_ to get to that state but had gone in the other direction; finding the blood and killing to be exhilarating. At the same time, Daeghun's poise reminded Bishop of the first time he had realized that what he felt for Raelis wasn't just lust, or passing fascination, or even just sadistic toying.

_"Lord Nasher demands your presence in Neverwinter," Nevalle harshly told the exhausted half‑elf less than an hour after she had returned from Ammon Jerro's haven. "You are to come alone, and you are to come **now**."_

_ "I can't leave the Keep right now..." Raelis protested weakly._

_ "This is **Nasher's** Keep, not yours, and if you don't come with me now you will be replaced by tomorrow!" Nevalle turned to leave, assuming she would no longer protest._

_ Instead, Raelis turned to Bishop and snatched his bow. Before Bishop even realized what had occurred, she notched and fired an arrow at Nevalle. It hit the door frame just beyond him, trapping three strands of blonde hair._

_ She notched another arrow and pulled the string, aiming it at the back of Nevalle's head. The knight in question didn't move. "I **just** got back," she said tersely, looking coldly infuriated, "from a hellish place where one of my best friends **died**, Nevalle. You will turn around, and you will ask me nicely, at Lord Nasher's humble request, that I accompany you to Neverwinter. You will use the word please. You will thank me when I accept."_

_ Nevalle slowly turned around, his eyes wide. "L-L-Lord Nasher, um, humbly requests, that you, ah, come with me to Neverwinter, please." _

_ "Pretty please?"_

_ "Pretty please with sugar on top and, er, some cherries on the side?"_

_ She handed the bow back to Bishop, who was too impressed to yell at her for taking it in the first place. "Okay, let's get going then," she said sweetly._

_ When Nevalle gave a sigh of relief she cleared her throat loudly. "Thank you!" he said quickly._

_ "You're welcome." She smiled and patted him on the head. _

Clearly, as time passed it was becoming more and more obvious that Daeghun really, actually _raised _Raelis, rather than just having been present. It put thoughts into Bishop's mind about how he would raise his own daughter.

* * *

That train of thought led him to the courtyard of Crossroad Keep.

Bishop steeled himself. He was going to climb up the side of the keep, slide into Raelis' room and explain, apologize, do things he had never done before. But then he noticed the large steel cage hanging in the middle of the courtyard. He, curious, took a better look.

"Ooo, peanut butter _and_ birdseed! This is the best day ever!" the ranger gushed, climbing in.


	7. The Truth

1. Thank you for reviewing/reading :) As long as I make you chuckle this is all worth writing!

2. Sorry that this is kinda short and took a little longer to get up. School seems to think that now is the best time to have tests/projects/etc., and plus I've been getting sick. Not conducive for writing.

3. I also have no idea where this is going anymore, including who Raelis is going to end up with. I wrote this entire story to get Bishop caught in a squirrel cage. That being said, if you have any ideas, feel free to share them.

4. Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Seven: The Truth

Raelis stared up, her arms crossed across her chest.

Bishop looked everywhere else except at her.

They had been doing as such for a good hour, neither of them speaking. The crowd that had gathered to see the priestess' wrath delivered upon her wayward ex-lover was disappointed and soon dissipated.

Finally Raelis spoke. "Well, it seems I owe Elanee an apology," she admitted, turning to leave.

"Wait, what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Bishop demanded after her, struggling against the cage.

"And Grobnar a thank-you," she continued.

"Aren't you going to let me out?"

"Nope."

Mere minutes after Raelis went into the fort Grobnar sprinted out, his short legs moving incredibly fast. "_IT WORKED IT WORKED IT WORKED IT WORKED IT WORKED!_" the gnome exclaimed, coming to rest underneath the cage and beginning to spin in circles. "The Betrayer Ranger Danger Traitor... no, wait, the Ranger Betrayer Traitor Danger... er... ... ..." He stopped spinning and began rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Or was it the Betrayer Traitor Ranger Danger? That sounds right... ish. And there was a number involved, I think, or was it a hieroglyph?"

"Let me out of this damn thing," Bishop growled.

"But why would I do that?" Grobnar asked, looking genuinely perplexed. "I mean, it only works so long as you are physically in the cage, right? So why would I let you out?"

"Because when you let me out I'm going to throw _you_ in here and make you a gnome pincushion!"

Grobnar frowned. "You know, Sir Bishop, I don't think you should be so rude, considering all the trouble I went through to make this ranger trap."

"It's a squirrel trap, number one, and number two, _I'm the ranger you caught!_"

"Semaaaaaantics!" the bard sang before skipping away, singing, "Semantics, pedantics, all over crazy aaaantics! Watch what you say, or you'll get chased away, by a couple of wily waaaaaaaaaantics!"

"What the hell does that mean?" Bishop questioned, wondering why he was questioning it in the first place.

Karnwyr, as he had done numerous times, walked over, started to make his chortling noise that was clearly a laugh, and then walked away to go find something to do. Bishop was under the impression the wolf was hanging out with his new friend Daeghun, although since Karnwyr refused to do anything but laugh at him, he could only guess.

Minutes later, Khelgar showed up and started laughing hysterically, laughing so hard he doubled over and started rolling on the ground, ignoring Bishop's threats to stop. Eventually the happy dwarf started running out of oxygen so much that he passed out.

"Karma," Bishop growled, thoroughly ready to kill anyone he possibly could. The cage was too small for him to effectively move in, as least to get his bow into a fireable position, but he was pretty sure he could get to his dagger...

"Karma indeed. How would you put this? A lamb, slaughter, something like that," Casavir said, looking up at him.

Bishop practically recoiled. "I can smell the alcohol from here," Bishop marveled, "Are you-"

"_No_," Casavir responded, his voice dripping with a sarcasm that seemed odd coming from him, "I'm to-totally sober. Sober as sober is long. Or the day. Or something."

"You sound like the gnome."

"Now _that_ is an interesting theory!" the paladin proclaimed, "Is Grobnar just plain crazy or just plain drunk? Unlike me, being not crazy or drunk? Or maybe just a little crazy. And _maybe_," he whispered conspiratorially, "just a little drunk. But shhhhhhhh, don't tell anyone."

"So you've finally cracked," Bishop marveled, too caught off-guard to really start the smarm.

"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Casavir said authoritatively. "I certainly do not. What I _do_ know is that _you_ are caught in a _gigantic squirrel trap_ because you went for the bait, which was _squirrel bait_."

"I was hungry!" Bishop hotly defended himself.

"And _that_, **_Sir_**," he said even more sarcastically than before, "Bishop, is why I will always be better than you. No matter who would rather be with you than me." He suddenly started laughing. Bishop was beginning to actually be freaked. "Which, I think, will no longer be the case. Woo! I'm starting to think coherently. Where's Khelgar? Oh." He poked the stirring dwarf with his foot. "Damn. I think I need another drinking buddy. Oh, where did Grobnar go?" Casavir wandered off.

Bishop started fighting the cage. _"GET ME OUT OF HERE! THIS IS THE CRAZIEST CAGE EVER; IT CLEARLY BENDS REALITY! LET ME OUUUUUT!"_

"Look at him freak out!" Sand said cheerfully. He and Qara had walked over to the cage next.

"Normally I'd offer to set him on fire, but this way's so much funnier!" she agreed, "He's going to lose it!"

"Especially since he's out of _squirrel bait_," Sand continued.

"I was _HUNGRY! _When I get out of here, everyone, _everyone in this keep_ _is going to die!"_ Bishop growled.

"Aww, look at him making threats!" Sand cooed.

"He's so cute!" Qara agreed.

"Like a squirrel!" they finished together.

Laughing together, the two foes walked off to the keep.

Bishop started looking for some sort of interdimensional vortex around the cage that would be bending reality in such a horrible, terrible way. He was placated when Neeshka walked by, glanced furtively around, and reached through the bars to steal Bishop's dagger from the hilt on his boot.

"Hey! I need that to kill people!"

"You should have two big front teeth that you can use to gnaw on people, right? Besides, you don't use daggers anyway!" she protested, looking through Khelgar's pockets. "Hmm... oh, that's right, he doesn't have any money. Maybe... oo! That hammer's so shiny!" She grabbed the dwarf's omnipresent hammer. She tugged back violently, but the hammer didn't budge. "Huh! Well, that's something!"

Elanee walked over, holding something in her arms. "If you had been paying attention, Neeshka, only someone wearing the gauntlets and the belt can hold the hammer. And here, she's hungry," Elanee lifted her arms up and a particularly small squirrel jumped into the cage between the bars.

"Thereisn'tanyleft," Bishop mumbled quickly as Neeshka started taking off Khelgar's belt. The squirrel started climbing him, settling in his hair.

"What was that, Bishop?" Elanee asked sweetly; too sweetly, as her tone betrayed that she had understood him.

"There isn't any left!" he said through gritted teeth.

"Why not? Why is all the squirrel bait gone?" she asked, still too sweetly.

"Because I ate it all! Gods I hate you people!"

She giggled. Meanwhile, Neeshka started fixing up the gauntlets on her own arms.

"Would you and Suzette like some more?" Elanee asked.

The squirrel looked down at Bishop and squeaked. "Yes," Bishop begrudgingly translated.

"Then you'll have to," suddenly her visage changed, her voice grew low and her eyes turned red, "_lead me to the Circle of the Mere, lest I feed **you** to the squirrel, do you understand me?_"

"Yes ma'am!" Neeshka and Bishop squeaked in unison, even though she'd only been talking to Bishop. Even Suzette the squirrel looked frightened.

* * *

Still chuckling merrily, Qara and Sand entered Crossroad Keep. They both walked through the chamber, taking a left. Their merry chuckling started to waver. They both turned right, going down the stairs. Both realizing where the other was heading, they both broke into a mad dash down the stairs before getting to the hotly-contested alchemy workbench.

"I win!" Qara crooned, practically throwing herself on the surface.

"You have longer legs! That's cheating!" Sand protested.

Qara stuck out her tongue.

"And it's _my_ workbench! _Mine!_ _MIIIIIIIIIINE!"_ In an uncharacteristic display of rage, the mage began jumping up and down in frustration.

"Raelis wants me to make her some more pregnancy stuff! And until you learn to make it yourself-"

"There's nothing _to_ it! It's just a bunch of random ingredients thrown together!"

"Tell that to Raelis!"

Sand clenched his fists. "So much for you 'doing something nice for someone else.' This was your plan, wasn't it? To take my workbench from me?" Despite himself, he could feel his magical energies beginning to swirl around him, out of control.

"You wanna fight about it?" Qara asked, standing up straight.

Sand didn't answer, his voice ringing out in an oft-used enchantment for Meteor Swarm. Qara, who had yet to "learn" such high-level spells herself, wisely ran from the room.

Sand calmed down somewhat. "Now then," he said as if he had _not_ just planned on blowing up the entire building over a workbench, "I do believe I know the perfect ward to place on this." He set to work.

* * *

"So Elanee, Bishop, Neeshka and Khelgar have gone to the Circle of the Mere," a now-sober Casavir recounted to his allies much later that day, "and the rest of us have to attempt an alliance with the lizardfolk. That being said, Ms. Raelis _cannot_ come with us. For her own safety, of course. She has made it very clear she wants to come, so someone needs to stay behind and distract her."

Sand raised his hand. "Due to my general disdain for and lack of interest in lizardfolk, I'm sure I'll find _something _to distract her with. My alchemy experiments, perhaps. She's always good as a test subject."

"You actually have to make sure she doesn't realize we've left without her," Casavir said sternly. "And do _not_ use her as a test subject. She is pregnant, after all."

"Yes, yes, I'll do my best," Sand said, smirking knowingly.

"All right, now we need to figure out who's actually coming," Casavir continued, obviously in control of this situation.

Qara raised her hand.

"Yes, Qara?"

"Will I get to set things on fire?' she asked.

"Most likely."

"All right, then I'm in."

Ammon looked glum. "I don't want to come along. It's a pointless waste of time," he said gruffly.

Casavir ignored him. "Anyone else besides Qara have something to say? Ammon, Zhjaeve, Grobnar?"

Grobnar raised his hand so high he stood up. "Can we go look for the Wendersnaven afterwards, ppppplllllleeeeeeeaaaaaaassssseeeeeeeeeeeee?"

"You'll have to ask Ms. Raelis that question. So not directly afterwards, as she can't know that we're doing this until afterwards."

"Okay!" the gnome said happily.

Zhjaeve raised her hand.

"Yes, Zhjaeve?"

"_Know_ that I consider all allies against the King of Shadows to be of use, so I shall accompany you to the best of my ability."

"Thank you."

Silence.

"I refuse to raise my hand," Ammon established.

"No one else has anything to say? All right, by default Ammon is coming along. So we'll be leaving as soon as possible."

"Grrrrrrrr!"

"Oh, cheer up Ammony!" Duncan said cheerfully over his shoulder, causing everyone in the room to jump, "It won't be so bad! Although 'Ammony' isn't a very good nickname. I'll work on it." The Dark Lord of the Hells left, looking thoughtful. "Spot?"

"When did he..." Qara began.

"I like Ammony more than Spot," Ammon grumbled.

"_Know_ that both suit you," Zhjaeve said smarmily.

* * *

Daeghun settled comfortably on a log. Karnwyr walked over and put his head under his hand. Daeghun started scratching his ears.

"Did Bishop just leave again?" Daeghun asked, sounding almost disinterested.

_A little. Is you going to stalk him? That'd be f unny._

"Not worth the effort."

_But if he doesn't come back, you kill him, yes? That'd be funny._

"I like you," Daeghun established, resuming a more rigorous ear-rub.

_I likes you too. _Karnwyr's tail started wagging.

* * *

Raelis showed up in the courtyard with a suitcase.

"I'm ready to go find the lizards!" she said cheerfully.

Silence. A cricket chirped.

"Um, guys?" Her eyes started watering.

Sand sighed, having finally found her, and grabbed her arms to drag her back into the keep.

"I wanted to go!" she whined, looking thoroughly depressed.

The elf sighed. "Yes, yes, I'm sure. I'll find something better for you to do."

She looked interested. "Oh really?"

He couldn't help but grin.

The two ran back into the keep.


	8. Revelations

A/N: Sorry this took so long - school has been crazy and hectic X_X Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Eight: Revelations

Nevalle's task was to serve as a liaison between Lord Nasher and Raelis. Initially it had been a task that he had been honored to perform, but as time passed and he realized that it meant a whole lot of sitting around and being mocked by anyone who happened to walk by, he began to resent it more and more. The fact that Raelis was making the task difficult by not being some sort of perfect representation of Neverwinter wasn't helping either…

As it was, Nevalle was sitting outside the Neverwinter Nine's tower, weaving little people out of grass. He wasn't very good at it – case in point, rather than having little people, he had a bundle of grass and was poking two particularly long strands together. He was so engrossed in this task that he didn't notice a group of people walk by.

"This is so exciting!" one said, "I can't believe that Lathander has Chosen someone, and she lives so close!"

"I wonder how far along she is! If the baby's half god, does that mean the gestation period will be less or more?"

"The Chosen is a half-elf, right? How can a baby be half human, half elf and half god?" another asked.

"I bet it'll be adorable anyway!" a fourth exclaimed.

_I wonder if the Academy offers classes on grass weaving,_ Nevalle thought, _Maybe I should try making baskets instead…_

The crowd of 20 passed him by and headed up to the keep, all talking merrily about their religious pilgrimage. And Nevalle continued trying to make a voodoo doll of Sand that he could set on fire.

* * *

The path to the Circle of the Mere was not a long one, but it was one crawling with all sorts of undead things. Case in point, Bishop ended up killing an undead ferret that attacked the group. "This is great!" Khelgar said cheerfully. "Now, will we get to be fightin' the druids? 'cause _that_ is a battle I won't want to miss!"

"No we will not," Elanee said curtly. "We will find them, they will give me treats for being a good girl, and we will get their aid against the King of Shadows."

"But… but…"

"It's okay, Tubby," Neeshka said, topping the distraught dwarf's head. "There's plenty of zombies for you to kill. That'll make you feel better."

"Yeah," Khelgar agreed, wiping what he would later claim was a drop of rain water (despite the fact that it clearly wasn't raining, even though the sky was black and cloudy) from his face, "Yeah, that it will, lass."

"You're all crazy," Bishop muttered.

"Speaking of crazy, couldn't help but notice _you're_ here!" Neeshka said cheerfully. The tall tiefling got the ranger in a headlock and started giving him a noogie.

"Get off!"

"You're going to finally confess your love, aren't you! It'll be soooooo cute! And big bad Bishop is gonna be a daddy! Changing diapers! Teaching a kid to walk and talk! Feeding it in the middle of the night! Teaching it to be a good bounty-hunter! It'll be adorable!"

"I hate you," Bishop growled, finally fighting her off.

Neeshka giggled, her tail flicking around playfully. "Aw, don't be ashamed! You had to grow up some time, right?"

"Not that knocking someone up really means 'growing up'," Khelgar muttered.

* * *

"Kniiiiiiight Captaaaaaaain," Kana called out, sounding bored, "You have a group of visitors here to see you!"

Raelis excited her bedroom and walked to the throne room. "Hi," she said tentatively, noticing the large group and silently wondering what they were all doing here, "Can I help you?"

"Praise Lathander she _is_ pregnant!" one exclaimed.

An older woman ran over and pressed her hand on Raelis' abdomen. "I'd say she's about four months along, if not more!"

"Closer to five," she said, looking extremely confused.

"Praise and glory to the Morninglord!" a young man screamed.

Kana looked terrified. "Should I summon the guards…?"

Raelis shook her head while still watching the crowd of people that moved closer to rub her belly. "No wonder He chose her," one murmured, "her hair is the same color as the Sun!"

"Who? What?" Raelis asked.

The group, having sufficiently rubbed her stomach, looked at each other. "Well, what do we do now?" one asked.

"We be honored that we have been in the presence of the Chosen and the Child, and we leave being blessed as such," an older man said sternly.

"Please pray for us, Lady Raelis!" a little girl cried.

"Um, okay?" Raelis guessed.

With thank yous and blessings, the group left.

"What just happened?" Raelis asked.

"I have no idea," Kana admitted.

* * *

Later that day, Sand finished the rune on his workbench that would set it on fire should anyone use it. Of course, the rune wasn't perfect yet, as even if _he_ used the bench it would explode, but, "Details schmetails!" the elf exclaimed.

His timing couldn't have been better. First Ammon came down the stairs, grumbling about time wasting and eternal torments for bossy paladins. Then Grobnar pranced down the stairs and ran to Construct, rambling about the Wendersnaven. And, lastly, Qara sauntered down the stairs, coming to stand facing him with her arms crossed across her chest.

"Hey Sand, guess what," she said with a smirk.

"Do tell, I'm just dying to know," he replied sarcastically.

"Oh, you'll be dying all right. You know how before I left I didn't know Meteor Swarm?" Qara asked, her fingers twitching in preparation.

Sand wisely backed up and prepared himself.

"Yeah, I totally figured it out while we were gone."

* * *

"I did it!" Nevalle exclaimed, the figure of Sand having been made to his satisfaction – there was no way of telling by looking at it that it was Sand, but in Nevalle's heart it was the sarcastic elf. Nevalle pulled out a lighter and set the figure on fire, smiling serenely.

"Now to make Bishop!" he said cheerfully.

* * *

Between the magical meteors and the exploding workbench, the entire basement of Crossroad Keep ceased to exist. The Keep itself settled down so that now the throne room was the basement. Between the Construct and an entire horde of summoned demons, the four (or five if you count Construct) party members escaped the rubble with their lives, if not their dignity.

"This is why we can't have nice things!" Raelis screamed at Qara and Sand. Ammon, Grobnar and Construct had hastily run away.

"S/he started it!" Qara and Sand exclaimed together, pointing at each other.

"You're both grounded! Go to your rooms! No dessert for either of you!"

"But I want ice cream!" Qara whined.

"Ooo, they're in trouble! Can I hit 'em?" Khelgar asked as the team made their way back from the druid grove. Elanee looked very depressed for some reason and turned around to go hide in a tree.

"If they don't listen you can!"

Both magic users wisely got up and left.

"Where did the basement go?" Neeshka asked.

* * *

Raelis went to sleep that night and woke up much later, feeling strong arms surround her. At first she wasn't sure who it was, but the distinctive scent of the woods gave it away. That and the fact Karnwyr was clearly sleeping at the foot of the bed.

She pushed Bishop off the bed.

"Aw come on, are you still bitter about that?" Bishop protested.

"You get no cuddles," she snapped, pulling the comforter up over her head.

"But I…" then he remembered that his love for cuddling was on the list of things he had admitted to himself but would never admit aloud, and he made himself comfortable on the floor. "Fine. Whatever. I was doing it to help you get over me."

"Oh shut up. You were always the needy one in our relationship."

Bishop snorted. "You keep telling yourself that."

"And apparently it's not your kid anyway," she continued in a mumble, clearly falling back asleep, "I have it on (yawn) good authority that I'm the Chosen of Lathander and giving birth to his child. I'm sure he'll be interested to find that out tomorrow morning during my devotions."

"Huh?"

She didn't respond. Karnwyr got up, spun in three circles, and fell back asleep.

Bishop had almost fallen asleep until he heard someone enter the room and get on the bed. He tuned his ears, but the sounds weren't distinctive enough for him to deduce who it was.

After a moment, there was another thump, this time from the other side of the bed. "Oh like hell!" Raelis growled.

"What is that dog doing in here?" Sand asked.

_SAND?! _Bishop thought in surprise, his eyes widening. He was very, very awake now.

"Number one, he's a wolf, and number two, _he didn't blow up half the castle today! _Get out!"

"But I'm cold!"

"Try putting out the fire in your workbench! Oh wait, you can't because it's ashes now and buried in 10 feet of rubble! _GET OUT!"_

"Goodness, no need to shout, these ears aren't just for show you know…"

Bishop fought the urge to growl, his hands clenching. He debated how exactly he was going to kill Sand in his head when he heard the door open again and someone, again, get onto the bed.

_What the hell!_

"We had a nightmare," Grobnar whimpered.

"Can we sleeps with you?" Deekin asked.

Their answer was a long sigh and a pat.

_Oh, okay._

It was time for Operation Kill Smarmy Elf to commence.


End file.
